The other morning, I opted for a longer morning run, aiming for 10 km instead of the usual 4 km. I hadn’t run that distance in a while, so by the 7 km mark, I was flagging. By 8 km, I considered quitting, and by 9 km, I had to fight the urge to lie down in the grass.
It brought to mind the supposed “home stretch” of this pandemic, and the (now tired) metaphor that this is a marathon, not a sprint. While we might assume that over the past year we’ve built strategies to cope with the “new normal,” many of us are finding things tougher, not easier, even when the finish line is in sight. Fear for our health and the health of our loved ones, political and social upheaval, rising unemployment and job insecurity, social isolation, home school; the weight of these hasn’t lifted.
A recent report suggests a spike in mental stress in 2020 (no surprise), that 36% of Canadians are concerned about the mental health of a co-worker. And by now the disproportionate toll of the pandemic on women, including increased stress and worry, has been well documented, as well as an inequitable impact on BIPOC communities.
As the toll of disconnection and isolation mounts, building a culture of inclusion and belonging, where employees have the psychological safety to bring their whole selves to work, is more important than ever. Added to the many challenges of virtual communication, the current moment demands of leaders the courage to make space for dialogue about mental health and wellbeing. But many people are uncomfortable approaching these conversations, worried that they lack the training or experience to do it well. Will the conversation be seen as intrusive? Will I say the wrong thing or make things worse?
So how to start these conversations without crossing the line? Here are some suggestions:
Share your struggles
There’s power in vulnerability. Brene Brown speaks often of the power of leaders who are willing to choose courage over comfort. Going first in sharing your own challenges builds psychological safety and models the openness you’re seeking in conversations about mental health. You could try approaching it via common ground; “This week, I’ve been feeling especially anxious about my kids’ return to school. How are you feeling about it?” Or you could try a broader approach: “I know that everyone is feeling pretty worn down. What’s been the toughest thing for you this month?” Share your own experiences to make connections, but don’t make it about you.
Listen to understand
Minimize distractions and focus on learning about the other person’s experience. This means listening with real curiosity and empathy, and a desire to understand the problem, not to fix it. Notice if judging thoughts cross your mind and redirect your focus to the other person. Note that if you start thinking of solutions, you’ve switched to problem-solving mode. Park it. Your job now is to be present and entirely focused on the person in front of you.
Be the link, not the fix
Let your colleague know that you’re there to listen and offer support, not necessarily to fix the problem. If you’re not able to alleviate the work issues contributing to stress, you may be able to offer connections to resources. Frame your offer by saying “I don’t want intrude or overstep…” Ask, “what can I do to support you?” or “what can I take off your plate?”
Put on your own oxygen mask first
Examine what guardrails you’ve got in place for your own well-being. Are you getting outside every day? Finding time for exercise? Making meaningful connections with other people? Stephanie Tavitian-Guthrie, a Senior Manager at Bank of Montreal, spoke to me about ways in which she was working to support her team. She emphasized self-care as a foundation in any leader’s capacity to attend to others, whether it be their children or direct reports: “I have to lead by example. You can’t take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself”. She described an accountability pact she’d made with a friend to commit to daily morning exercise followed by a video testimonial sent to each other. She emphasized community-building – both at home and at work – as a key component of mental health in these times of isolation.
The last race I took part in was with my 12-year-old son. In the last few kilometres, as my knee began to ache and my heart sank, his words of support and encouragement urged me towards the finish line. This home stretch is draining our wells of endurance, no matter how deep. While they may feel awkward, even scary, open and honest conversations about mental and emotional challenges can help make getting across the finish line a little easier.
Want to talk about how to talk about it? Contact us about Important Conversations training.
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